Mad About Minerva
by Lady Salmakia
Summary: Good old Professor McGonagall gets hit with a nasty insanity spell. (and it's not as stupid as it sounds, I promise!)


Introduction: Hi there! I guess this is my first HP post! ::waits for welcoming applause:: This is actually the first fanfic I ever wrote, but I never got around to finishing it. It still isn't finished, but I got it to a stopping place, and I know where it's going, so worry not! The fic takes place in 3rd year somewhere. We played in 4th year because book 4 wasn't out yet, so don't ask me. You could really put it anywhere, but I needed Percy so you're kinda stuck. Sorry, just don't try to make sense of it and you'll be find. It's based on a few, but very good RP sessions back in the day when Salmakia ran a nice little Harry Potter RPG. (*sniff* I miss HPRP! I miss being in charge! Stupid mutineering munchkins...good thing I'm going to try again soon) I have thank the only two good RPers in the game, Snapemun and Tessmun for making this possible! Thanks guys! WARDS will continue! (We need to get off our arses!) I took the events, and put them into a POV like the books have. Another thing, I normally HATE it when a new character is added, espcially to replace an old one, but Tess is an intrigal part of the story, besides you'll grow to like her I'm sure. It's not like Binns was a cult favorite or anything. Also, Neville has page time, and I will warn you, I'm in here! (I normally HATE that too, but I'm such a hypocrite. Next up, more songfics...) They complain about me! *grabs Neville's arm* I've rambled enough, Nevi-pooh here will rattle off the old disclaimer for me.  
  
Neville: Um...Lady Salmakia doesn't own Harry Potter, me or the books. She is doing this for entertainment purpouses only and is not making any money. She is also holding me hostage in her basement.  
  
Salmakia: Shhhh! Don't talk like that! *sweatdrop* He's kidding folks! Great sense of humor he's got, that clumsy little kid! On with the show!  
  
*Neville holds up a sign that says "Help Me! She's crazy! I don't want to date a crazy author!" and we fade to the begining scene*  
  
  
Harry stood quietly at the edge of the lake, his father's invisibility cloak wrapped tightly around him. He must have heard something; he must have! The lake's waters were absolutely still like a mirror reflecting the light of the moon.   
  
"If someone catches me out here, I'm dead." Harry thought bitterly, but he had to know what was going on. Earlier in the evening, Harry had heard a loud cracking noise come from across the grounds. Without thinking he had thrown on his invisibility cloak on, not even thinking to wake Ron or Hermione, and run outside after the noise. But everything was still here. There was nothing to be seen. Silently Harry turned and walked slowly back towards the castle, but then he heard voices and froze.  
  
After listening for a moment Harry recognized the voices as being two male and one female. A little longer, though the speakers were all muttering in hushed whispers, and Harry knew the ever cheery voice of Professor Dumbldore, the severe sounding tone of Professor McGonagall, and the deep rumble of Hagrid's.   
  
"Honestly Hagrid, there was no need to come and wake us up for a loud noise!" Professor McGonagall scolded.  
  
"Bu' I'm tellin' yeh ma'am, it were not a normal sorta crash. I dunno what's going on, but Fang agrees with meh, Ah don' like it," Hagrid said in response.  
  
"I agree with Hagrid on this, Minerva," came the soothing voice of Albus Dumbledore. "I heard it all the way from the other side of the building."  
  
"I must be going deaf then!" said Professor McGonagall desperately. "I'm a very light sleeper, and I was just up there," She pointed to a window a floor under the Gryffindor tower, that was very dark.  
  
Harry dived behind a bush because he could see them all clearly now, Albus Dumbldore in his night cap and bathrobe, Professor McGonagall in her tartan dressing gown and hair net with an emerald green cloak thrown over it, and Hagrid, with his moleskin overcoat over his pajamas, and they were coming straight for him. Though the invisibility cloak kept him from being seen, he was still solid.  
  
"It cam' from ohver ther' Professor," said Hagrid nervously, pointing at the lake.  
  
The very interesting trio made its way toward where, as Harry though nervously, he had just been standing. Dumbledore looked around while Hagrid paced nervously, and Professor McGonagall pulled her cloak a little tighter around herself. She then started quite suddenly, and spoke in a whisper.  
  
"Tess," she hissed through clenched teeth.  
  
Whoever Tess was, Harry could see her quite plainly. There was a female figure standing next to the lake. She looked a lot like Professor McGonagall (as a matter of fact, they were twins). She too had glasses, but they were crescent shaped, black hair, and wore emerald green. She looked unhappy with the greeting.  
  
"Nice to see you too, Minerva."  
  
"Ah Tess, I'm glad you've come. You know Binns left the other day. We've been without a professor for a while."  
  
"She's going to teach!" Professor McGonagall said, in shock mixed with anger.  
  
"I'm Hogwart's newest Professor," Tess said, haughtily.  
  
Professor McGonagall groaned and fled the scene. Hagrid looked extremely puzzled, exactly as Harry was.  
  
"I'm sure it's been a long journey for you. Please come into the castle. We'll find something for you to eat, and then you can get some sleep before tomorrow," Dumbldore said.  
  
"I'd like that very much, Albus," Tess said, smiling.  
  
Harry watched the two of them walk in the castle and then his eyes followed Hagrid to his hut. Harry soon went inside as well, feeling more confused by the minute.  
When he got to the Gyffindor boys dorm he roughly shook Ron awake, who shouted something about how he had done his potions homework, and then he lost it.  
  
"Ron! Wake up, I have something to tell you!"  
  
"Honestly, Harry, can't it wait until morning?"  
  
"No."  
  
Ron sat up and stared sleepily at Harry, who's head was only visible. He had forgotten to take off the rest of the invisibly cloak. Ron started. It was a rather strange sight to see when you first wake up. Harry realized this and took off the cloak and threw it on his bed, then he spoke.  
  
"There's a new professor!"  
  
"Of course," Ron groaned, "I knew it was too good to be true that we didn't have History of Magic anymore."  
  
"No, you don't understand, I was outside and I saw her!"  
  
"Well, do you know who it is?"  
  
"Her name is Tess, and she looks a lot like Professor McGonagall. I think they're sisters. Professor McGonagall didn't seem too pleased that Tess would be teaching."  
  
"That was worth waking me up for? I'm going back to bed."  
  
Ron lay back down and had dozed off almost instantly. Harry, however, took a little longer to falls asleep. He kept wondering what surprised tomorrow would bring.  
  
The next morning at breakfast, Tess was sitting at the staff table. Professor McGonagall had placed herself as far away from her sister as possible. Just before the food appeared, Dumbldore stood up and clanged on glass.  
  
"May I have your attention please?" he asked and everyone looked up. "I'd like to introduce our newest professor, Tess McGonagall. To avoid any confusion she has been asked to be called Professor M. She will be teaching History of Magic."  
  
Hermione turned to Harry, "I wonder what she's like? Do you think she's anything like Professor McGonagall?"  
  
"Maybe she'll be better, and then we won't fall asleep in History of Magic anymore," Ron piped up. "Actually, that's where I get the majority of my sleep done. I have she's boring."  
  
The Gryffindors and the Slytherins alike were abuzz with gossip during Care of Magical Creatures. Hagrid had them watching salamander eggs, and all were several days from hatching, so there was plenty of time for talk. Harry, Ron and Hermione cornered Hagrid and started asking questions.  
  
"What do you know about Professor M?" Harry asked.  
  
"I dunno much," Hagrid said, "but I know she an' Professor McGonagall hates the other."  
  
"Have you met her before?"  
  
"I saw 'er las' night, but I didn' get tah talk to 'er much."  
  
That was about the extent that they got out of Hagrid, but the other students proved quite useful in providing information.  
  
"They're twins," they heard Lavender Brown telling Seamus Finagin and Parvati Patil. "Professor McGonagall is older by a few minutes, but she acts like ten years older."  
  
Parvati then piped up, "I hear that they really dislike each other, because Professor M married someone Professor McGonagall really didn't approve of. Of course they didn't get along growing up either, but that just added to it."  
  
They also overheard Malfoy telling a knot of Slytherins, "Oh, great, two McGonagalls. Do you think they'll finish each other off?"  
  
They had History of Magic next. Once everyone was seated, Professor M glided in, wearing purple robes and a smug smile. She looked very pleased with herself. She surveyed them all, before sitting down at the desk.  
  
"Hello, Class. You are the Gryffindors, am I correct?"  
  
"Yes, Professor," said Dean Thomas.  
  
She smiled, "Very good. That was my own house. You all look rather cold. Have you just come from outside? Herbology perhaps?"  
  
"We were just in Care of Magical Creatures," said Hermione.  
  
The rest of class turned out to be a lot of fun for them all. Professor M had them all dress up in period costumes, and using several illusion spells, had the entire class re-enact the goblin revolution of 1864. Neville managed to tear his costume, but that was the only mishap. They chattered excitedly as they left.  
  
"I can't remember the last time I was awake in that class!" exclaimed Ron. "Maybe it's better that she's not boring!"  
  
Transfigurations proved much more interesting than usual that day. Professor McGonagall didn't show up. They waited, and there was no sign of her. Ten minutes, no one. Twenty minutes, no one. About half an hour later though, she waltzed into the room with a bright smile and her glasses askew. Her normally tightly drawn bun was falling down, and few wisps of hair had fallen out around her face.  
  
"Good Morning class!" she half sang, "Or is it afternoon? Oh well, Sorry I'm late. I was having the most interesting discussion with Professor Flitwick about, well, some charms that you won't learn until you're all a little teeny bit older, when I realized I had a class. I pray I didn't worry you, did I?"  
  
"Not at all, Professor," Harry said.  
  
"Glad to hear it, Potter. Now what were we on? I have so many classes its hard to keep up with them. Oh I know we were going to have a quiz!"  
  
There came a groan from everyone. Professor McGonagall had not scheduled a quiz for that day, and in fact, she gave them a quiz meant for sixth years. Even Hermione didn't pass it. After class, there was much complaining.  
  
"She's gone loony I tell you!" They heard Dean Thomas complain to Seamus Finagin. He wasn't far from the truth.  
  
"Did you guys know anything on it?" Neville asked Ron, Harry and Hermione.  
  
"Not a thing," said Harry.  
  
"Me neither," said Ron.  
  
"I didn't know anything!" Hermione wailed. "If she keeps up like that, I'll fail Transfigurations! Then what will I do?"  
  
The complaining went on like this all through lunch and Herbology. She had the Hufflpuffs turning wardrobes into elephants, that were bigger than the classroom. Ravenclaw had spent the entire time turning millions of matches into needles. Professor McGonagall hadn't shown up for the Slytherin class at all. Mafloy couldn't stop laughing about it.  
  
"Looks like her sister has done her some good!" he cackled, "We'll never have to worry about Transfigurations grades again!"  
  
At dinner that evening, Fred and George Weasly explained a few things.  
  
"History of Magic was interesting today," said George.  
  
"Why's that?" Ron asked.  
  
"You should have seen what happened!"  
  
"Well, I wasn't there, so you'll have to tell me." Ron snapped, impatiently.  
  
"Well, Professor McGongall was sitting in on the class."  
  
"Probably keeping an eye on her sister," said Hermione.  
  
"They couldn't stop arguing! It was great. We didn't learn a thing. Finally, Professor M told McGongall to leave, so she did in a hurry."  
  
"That's interesting?"  
  
"That's not the best part. I think Professor M put a curse or something on Professor McGonagall. Later, we saw her skipping."  
  
"When did you have History of Magic?" Hermione asked, apparently she was on to something.  
  
"First period," replied Fred.  
  
"That explains everything!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"How?" Ron asked doubtfully.  
  
"Well, I'm not sure yet. I'll need some time in the library, but I think we'd better investigate."  
  
Later that night, Harry, Ron and Hermione, hid out near the staff room covered by the invisibility cloak and waited. All of them got a shock when Percy and his girlfriend, Penelope Clearwater, wandered near, holding hands, blushing and giggling. They proceded to share a kiss. Ron gagged.  
  
"They have no shame," he said under his breath.  
  
Just then, he froze. The door to the staff room was slightly ajar. They could heard voices. Harry leaned in so he could get a good look at what was going on. Inside were Professors Snape and McGonagall. Professor McGonagall was sunk deeply into an armchair by the fire, and her hair was,   
  
"Down," Harry gasped..  
  
And so it was. It tumbled in black waves down past her shoulders. She had unbuttoned the top couple of buttons of her robes, so that they weren't conservatively up near her neck. Professor Snape was standing above a table full of papers and he looked very upset.  
  
"Every single one of the failed, Minerva."  
  
"Who failed what, Severus?" she asked, hopping up to see.  
  
"These quizzes. You gave third years sixth year quizzes!"  
  
"Dear me, no! Why would I do a thing like that? Are you sure they're not Potions exams?" she asked.   
  
"They are Transfigurations. Look for yourself."  
  
She leaned in for a closer view, pushing her glasses up on her nose, "Oh, they are Transfigurations! You win!" she said, and then clapped.  
  
Professor Snape looked exasperated. "What has gotten into you, Minerva?"  
  
"Nothing, my dear Professor. You're the one acting uptight!"  
  
Snape looked indignant. Harry couldn't tell if it was from being called my dear Professor or uptight, by Professor McGonagall. Just then, he turned and appeared to stare straight at Harry, which was of course impossible. Percy and Penelope had just finished a particularly long and passionate kiss when they realized they we being watched. Professor Snape beckoned for Professor McGonagall to come and see. She got to the door just as the two fled.  
  
"Kissing! Right in front of the staff room! That's ridiculous! That's disgusting. I think it should be outlawed," said a fuming Snape.  
  
What was a mad Professor to do? Professor McGonagall jumped at her chance. She advanced upon Snape, took him in an embrace, and then planted on right on him. Snape struggled away then held her at arm's length.  
  
"MINERVA!!!"   
  
She giggled, "There, you've been kissed. Do you still think it should be outlawed?"  
  
"YES! I'm going to find those two and give them detention. I think you need some help, Minerva. Why don't you go see Dumbldore?"  
  
"Whatever for? Do I look ill to you?" She placed his hand to her forehead. "Am I getting a fever?"  
  
Snape glared at her and stormed off. Harry stood up slowly enough so that the other two could follow his example and the cloak wouldn't fall off. They walked slowly to the Gryffindor tower. They threw off the cloak and gave the password. The Fat Lady wasn't too pleased at them popping out of nowhere, but she let them in anyway. Once safely inside, all three collapsed into armchairs near the fire.  
  
"Did you see that?" exclaimed Ron. "I thought that I'd gone crazy."  
  
"You're not the only one," said Hermione. "I bet McGonagall's crazy."  
  
"Crazier than crazy, the woman's completely insane!" Ron exclaimed. "She KISSED Snape. She's probably going to get some nasty disease."  
  
Harry was startled upright in his chair by the sound of the portrait hold opening, but it was only Neville.  
  
"Is something the matter?" he asked nervously, as Ron, Harry and Hermione started at him in utter shock.  
  
"Oh, no, Neville. You surprised us, that's all."  
  
"Well...er...then, I'll just be going then..." he turned to walk up the staircase to the boys' dorm.  
  
"No, actually, you'll want to hear this..." said Ron.  
  
He told Neville exactly what they saw. Neville just gaped at him.  
  
"Well, at least I don't have to worry about switching spells for a while now," he said, blushing a little.   
  
Hermione looked at him rather sternly. She had memorized the switching spells the first week of the first year. Neville just seemed to have trouble with his subjects, except for Herbology.  
  
The whole of the Gryffindor table was abuzz the next morning at breakfast. Between Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville talking of the previous nights events, everyone knew a little more than they needed to. Soon, near horror stories were being told, and the rumors were getting quite out of hand.  
  
Professor McGonagall's appearance at breakfast didn't squelch the rumors at all. She had abandoned her conservative, emerald green robes for some low cut ones in a shade of shimmering aqua. She still wore her hair down, but she had obviously fussed with it. It looked rather silly now. She had a mad glint in her eye, as she stepped up to the staff table, gave her sister a big huge, then winked at Professor Snape, who promptly gagged.  
  
"You're in excellent spirits, Minerva," they heard Dumbledore observe.  
  
"Why so I am, Albus!"  
  
"Do you have something special planned for your lessons today?"  
  
"Oh! You're reading my mind. I nearly had forgotten! I'd better get a move on if I want to prepare!" She stuffed a piece of toast in her mouth and hopped down from the staff table, and nearly ran up to her classroom.  
  
"Do we have Transfigurations today, Hermione?" asked Ron, as if he didn't really want to know.  
  
"Actually we do. It's first period."  
  
Directly after breakfast, the Gryffindors trooped up to Transfiguration feeling very apprehensive. The door to the classroom was closed, and mysterious clanging noises were coming from within. As the bell rang, the door sprang open by itself, and the Gyrffindors all walked in cautiously, took their seats, and waited.  
  
Professor McGonagall had a very amused grin on her face, as if she had the greatest news in the world to tell them.  
  
"Well class," she addressed them, "I think it's time we had a little fun in here. You know, Transfigurations isn't all boring."  
  
Her hand flew up and ropes shot out of her wand. They all aimed for boys and soon everyone male Gryffindor was sitting in his seat, tied up completely.   
  
"I think today the girls get to have fun!"   
  
She whipped out several makeup kits from under her desk, and distributed them.  
  
"You wouldn't..." Ron said, horrified, as he looked at Hermione.  
  
"Actually, I would," she said, as she picked out some lipstick.  
  
Professor McGongall was busy putting eyeliner on Neville. Salmakia could be seen next to her grinning and smiling at the hapless kid.   
  
"Later, cutie!"  
  
Neville gulped.  
  
Lavender Brown applied liberal amounts of red nail polish to Seamus Finagin's digits.  
  
"This is absolutely awful!" moaned Harrry, as Parvati Patil approached him, holding a mud mask.  
  
"That was the best Transfigurations lesson ever!" squeaked Parvati, as the Gryffindors walked to Herbology.  
  
"No it wasn't!" retorted Seamus, who now had to walk around with red fingernails, because no one had any nail polish remover.  
  
Neville and Dean were too busy to make comments as they tried to get some of the eyeliner off.  
  
"You didn't think it was fun, did you Hermione?" Ron asked.  
  
"Well, it wasn't very productive, but," she burst into giggles, "That was more fun than I've had in a long time!"  
  
Ron glared at her through his mascara.  
  
That evening Harry and Ron glared at Hermione until she told them what had gotten into Professor McGonagall.  
  
"You've been to the library. You know what's up, and probably how to fix it."  
  
"I don't want to be a drag queen!" Ron wailed.  
  
"Ok, well I'm not sure."  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
'Ok. It's a temporary insanity spell. A pretty good one too, but I don't know how long it takes to wear off."  
  
"What's the normal duration?"  
  
"Three to five years."  
  
"But...we'll have graduated by then!" Harry cried.  
  
"Isn't there an antidote?"  
  
"Yeah, but it requires Hen's Teeth, and those are impossible to find."  
  
"I bet Snape's got 'em.""He doesn't. I asked."  
  
"Then what should we do?"  
  
"I say we go down to the great hall. Professor McGonagall is turning tables in monkeys that dance, and the author has Neville in the cornered. I think she's proposing or something. Poor kid."  
  
"You know, I really hate this one, and this is her first fic. I don't even want to know what's going to happen when she posts that Star Wars crossover," Harry commented.  
  
"You're just mad because you're Skywalker. I'm Han Solo!" Ron said.  
  
"You too whine too much. Ever read one where I was going out with Malfoy?"  
  



End file.
